The Judgement

Someone posted on facebook that, to paraphrase, women who wear weaves and fake lashes are hypocritical and lack confidence. This got me thinking. The whole issue of black women wearing weaves etc.  and the idea of beauty is big in the black community. I haven't witnessed this as much in other communities even though other races are not strangers to cosmetic changes (coloring hair, implants, tans). We are women, we experiment with different things to make us happy. However, it seems that no other group gets criticized for it more than black women.

The hard core naturals want us all to rock our hair unaltered. The main stream wants us to have long straight hair. If you do one or the other something is wrong. We as brown women are inundated with images of fair complexions, long, straight (mostly blond) hair with hazel/blue/green eyes. We are told that is the beauty norm. This is why I get so excited to see brown women (in positive lights) in the media. It was everywhere when Lupita was on the cover of People's Most Beautiful. And Shondra Rhimes has put brown women in starring roles on TV. Kerry on Scandal and Viola on How to Get Away with Murder and the new character on Grey's Anatomy is a natural girl. Love it.

But let's be clear, these are instances and still not the most popular norm of beauty. In the black community, the men are not chasing after the Lupitas as much as they are the Beyonces

or those of other races. I can love my natural hair but many black men have vocalized that they do not care for it as much as my straight hair or say they like my curl pattern but not more kinky patterns that other women in my community might possess.


We struggle for acceptance from the very men who say "I don't like women with all these weaves or all that makeup" then turn around and say Beyoncé or Kim Kardashian are so hot. I do not in any way state that this is all of the black community but it is a significant enough topic. I threw this up on a board on facebook and got a lot of feedback from women who had encountered this before. Heck even my dad made comments when I cut my long hair super short in high school and upon seeing me lately puts his hands in my head to see if my hair is real or not. But-

Who cares?

 

How are we defining a black woman on the inside based on what she looks like on the outside? There are numerous reasons a woman will wear a wig, weave, contacts, lashes and many of them have little to do with confidence. We want to put our best face out there to the world, we want to experiment, we want to give our real hair a break from the heat damage, we want to cover hair loss (not just from mistreatment of hair but alopecia or cancer), we just want to be!
And if there are women out there who feel they are not as beautiful because they are not light skin, long haired, light eyed women we can't be surprised based on what media and men of color (be they famous or not) at a larger rate seem to run to. Instead of placing a judgmental post, instead post about the type of women you do like without throwing shade. Black women cannot be all things to all people. We cannot change our color, no matter what the creams say (unless gray is a color you want), our hair may not dry straight. We may want to glam it up. We may want to be "wash and go". Whatever we do to make ourselves smile, let it be just that. Instead of an indictment on our self esteem and values.  

 

Nooo I wasn't ready!

My parents are pretty in touch with pop culture and technology for their generation but I'm still freaked out a little by their ability to do certain things or catch certain references. Mind you I came from a mother who couldn't put a VHS in a VCR. Which filtered down to me (I held on to CDs till The Man tore em from my arms and I still hold special nostalgia for the days I made mix tapes from the songs I caught on the radio). So when I see my parents be "trendy", well it weirds me out.

Exhibit 1- My mom hastags me. It's funny but still a bit odd to get a #sheneedstohaveseveralseats or #aintnobodygottimeforthat hastag from my mom

Exhibit 2- Let me be honest, it was weird in general to even get a text from my mom. I'm just used to her calling. Usually she text things like "I'm home", "I'm going shopping" "I'm going walking" "What you doing?".  Sometimes late at night. Shouldn't she be sleeping? It's 11pm! Sigh the life of a retiree.

Exhibit 3- Getting emoticons or abbriviations from parents. My dad using "LOL", my mom using ":-)"  No wonder the kids are getting off Facebook

Exhibit 4- Which leads me to, my parents are on Facebook. Which is really why kids aren't on it anymore. It used to be the place where the young could act a fool but now with your parents friending you it's not the same. And who isn't going to accept the friend request from your parents. I mean it'd be mean to just ignore it (says the girl who ignored her dad's request for as long a she could)

Exhibit 5- My parents dressing...well. Literally my sister and I have scored on shoes from my mom because she is so stylish and for their to be a 30 year age gap that's saying something. And my dad's a snazzy dresser to and not just "for his age" (Except for the kango hat dad, You are not Samuel L. Jackson and I don't want to hear you talk about some mfing snakes on a plane). When did this happen?

Things you don't want to see your parents do, ever, because it will never be cool on them- twerking, tube tops, rapping to lyrics outside of early 80s, dropping "it" low- it's dangerous, going to a Jay-Z concert- why?, using the term "YOLO", getting a piercing outside of the ear.

That's all I got for now.

The Set Up

The Snow’s a commin! The Snow’s a commin ! But what does that mean? Knocking on wood and all that, I am blessed that I don’t live in an area where snow storms can shut the city down for a week. Yet time and time again if the weather man (who I am convinced has a side deal with the grocery stores) says snow is a commin we jet to Safeway like it’s the zombie apocalypse. Lines zig-zag through the store like they are giving away something free. Why do we give in? Why do I think I must prepare for battle when a few flurries are threatened? So it was a nightmare last night at the grocery store. While standing in line I began to wonder why we always flock to the store when a winter storm is a commin. I mean do we think we are going to be stranded in the house and can’t get out to get food for days? Did we not have enough food before we went to the store to keep us for a day or two because that’s usually how long we are going to be stuck inside (not mentioning that we can always order because somehow Pizza hut can always deliver along with that good guy mailman/woman). I saw people buying food like they were going to be stuck inside for at least a week or more. So now you are inside with a bunch of food the day before Valentine’s day (or as we singles call it – Friday) so you’ll want to go out and buy more crap (either at happy hour or a restaurant). Thus wasting all that money you spent stockpiling for the revolution. *Scratches my head* I don’t get it. Yet, I’m still nervous about the idea of not going to the store when snow is threatened. Also side note: Why must people make sure they get bread, milk, and toilet paper when snow is a commin? Are they going to eat more cereal or bake more during the storm? They going to eat more sandwiches? And are people expecting to take more dumps when they are snowed in? I get it if you have kids, especially small ones, because they can be eating and pooping machines (cute ones nonetheless) but for the rest of us? As my dad put it, the new staples should be croissants (or cinnamon rolls), chocolates and wine… That’s the kind of luxury eating/drinking you want to do when you get a snow day on a work day! So in my mind liquor stores should be getting more business when the snow is a commin. I’m just saying…

There's small then there's this...

Okay, this woman has a 90 square foot apartment. I know she's in New York but they really don't go this small do they? But I realize that when you only spend $700 in rent in Manhattan where rent can be like $3000 that you get what you pay for but just watching this made me nausuas. I think I'd rather do a longer commute where I could afford the space (like I'm doing now) than live where all the fun is but in an affordable closet!

Why?

Is what went through my head when I found out the alleged killer of the young woman slain in the Bethesda clothing store a couple of weeks ago was a black female coworker. Now don’t get me wrong, I am saddened a young woman was killed and a bit relieved that this was not a random act of violence in an area thought to be safe. However, as a black woman, every time I hear about another black person doing something negative, I still cringe. Yes, I know what this person did doesn’t or shouldn’t affect me but lets be honest; even today, many people still judge us by the color of our skin and not the content of our character. Before I open my mouth, there are many people out there who think they know all there is to know about me simply because I am a black woman. I can’t begin to count the many times I’ve had to tell someone not to treat me a certain way based on stereotypes of women or black people or the combination of the two.

Really sir, you’re surprised I’m not an unwed mother?
Yes, I actually dig U2 and many other rock groups, past and present.
Surprising, I know, but I’m actually not after your money.
Yes, it is shocking that I don’t have an unprovoked bad attitude.

The last one really “grinds my gears” because there are so many people (and by people, I mean folks of all races) who fall prey to the idea that black women are mean. And there are many out there ready to exploit that thought to the fullest.

Especially in the media. Shall I count the many reality shows featuring angry, mean spirited black women. There’s Basketball Wives, Housewives of Atlanta, Bad Girls Club, The Apprentice (have you seen Star Jones and Nene Leaks go at it?) random VH1 celebrity dating show. And even shows that focus on black women as alleged friends fall into the “black women gotta hate on each other” routine. Although Girlfriends was what I dubbed the black Sex and the City, rival gangs had closer ties than these women and the series ended with one of the characters never mending her friendship with one of the other ladies (granted she left the series but still… and the show never got an official finale- I don’t want to see it as a stage play like they did for the Jeffersons so they could have some closure to their canceled series. Okay back to the program recently in progress). And don’t get me started on the Game; is anyone friends on that show?

Oh and other shows that feature a black female character (hard to find but there are some) sometimes fall into the routine. For the first few seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, the only black female on the show was called “the Nazi”. Regina King’s character in Southland and Jada Pinkett's character in Hawthorne are both tough but in a good way as one is a good detective and the other is a nurse fighting for her patients and fellow nurses. Still the underlying message is black women can have a tough edge.

And that’s fine if used in a positive light or at the very least shown in as much light as the negative images. Now that Oprah is going off the air, where is the balance? These images affect who wants to date us, hire us, befriend us, and provide customer service to us. And yes, I know that what this girl did in Bethesda wasn't fiction and there are many women who embody the sterotypes we are fighting against just please don't lump me in those same groups.

So how about for every Precious movie we have to applaud let’s send some spotlight to For Colored Girls (I’m sorry, Loretta Divine or Kimberly Elise should have got at least an Oscar nod but I guess they weren’t angry enough) and for every act of violence by a black woman that is televised can we show some positive actions by black women? Hey, if I need to volunteer in Japan to help where I can I would (just someone give me some money to get there and explain to my manager at my new job!). That may be asking too much, I'm well aware but let’s just show some other sides to us, because, like all people, we are not one dimensional!

*steps off soap box...until another day*