Quick P.S.A. to Men on Online Dating

I'm not ashamed to admit that I've tried the online dating thing...a few times. I've visited many a site and talked to many a friend and after a spirited discussion with some gal pals recently I thought I'd do a post (which I'm sure will have some follow ups) on things I wish men wouldn't do in the realm of online dating.

For this post I will focus on my top three. Some are, admittedly, superficial and I will own up to it.

1) Wearing hats in all your pictures. A couple pics here and there are fine but if all your pics are with hats on (especially baseball caps) then I don't know what I'm getting into.  I once went out with a guy who always wore a baseball cap. He even wore it when we went out to dinner. This was getting ridiculous. Well eventually, I asked him in my Brad Pitt from Seven "What's in the box?" voice.

I just had to know. So he took off the hat...and he looked like George Jefferson. Sigh, it's unfortunate that he had premature balding and I sympathize with that. But holding on to that rim of hair did nothing for him. He wasn't even thirty. Why look like you were ready to move to that "deluxe apartment in the sky?". Just "let it goooo, let it gooo" and sport the bald head. Needless to say, after that,  I always wonder when I see a guy with only pics of him in a hat. (same goes to pics of a guy only wearing sunglasses, no shade to cock eyes, but...well, I don't like surprises)

2) Going ghost. Online dating has made us the laziest people in the world. I just finished reading Pride and Prejudice (and Zombies, I have to take some gore with my silly romance) and it reminded me all the more how we just don't try anymore. Always looking for that "bigger better deal" and not caring how we come across. But one thing I really hate is when you go on a date or two with a guy, chemistry is full on, sweet words/flirts are shared and then...you don't hear from them again. My friend theorized that they must all go to an island. We wonder if it's fun there.

But look-a-here (yeah you know I'm about to make a point when I get southern), don't come back like nothing happened. If you got side tracked because you were dating a bunch of women like you were on The Bachelor and then had to make a decision to narrow it down, I can dig it. On the flip side, we women get our Bachelorette moments. But once you made the decision stick to it. And if you realize that you made the wrong decision and months later want to come back, do it with a little humility. When I get a text or email from a guy I haven't seen or heard from in five months, he gets the side eye. Assuming I even remember the dude (hint, add your name in the text because, crazy thing, I probably haven't waiting by the cell phone for you to call all this time) at least apologize for the disappearance act and come hard with the "courting". A girl likes to feel special!

3)Stalkers.  If you wink or like or favorite me but don't ever write to or respond to my email then I gets uncomfortable. A friend noticed a guy viewing her page almost daily but he never wrote to her. Naturally that creeped her out. I can't tell you how many guys have liked my photo or favorite me but never write. Why? No, honestly, I need to know because in my mind, and many women's minds, you are just viewing our photos over and over again and well...the thought ain't pretty. So if it's really that you are just shy, get pass it, you never know if the woman will like you if you don't bother to write. If you are married and just staring, stop it. And if you are too cheap to purchase a subscription, save up! Morale of the story: Stop creeping us out!

Because the more you know....

The Judgement

Someone posted on facebook that, to paraphrase, women who wear weaves and fake lashes are hypocritical and lack confidence. This got me thinking. The whole issue of black women wearing weaves etc.  and the idea of beauty is big in the black community. I haven't witnessed this as much in other communities even though other races are not strangers to cosmetic changes (coloring hair, implants, tans). We are women, we experiment with different things to make us happy. However, it seems that no other group gets criticized for it more than black women.

The hard core naturals want us all to rock our hair unaltered. The main stream wants us to have long straight hair. If you do one or the other something is wrong. We as brown women are inundated with images of fair complexions, long, straight (mostly blond) hair with hazel/blue/green eyes. We are told that is the beauty norm. This is why I get so excited to see brown women (in positive lights) in the media. It was everywhere when Lupita was on the cover of People's Most Beautiful. And Shondra Rhimes has put brown women in starring roles on TV. Kerry on Scandal and Viola on How to Get Away with Murder and the new character on Grey's Anatomy is a natural girl. Love it.

But let's be clear, these are instances and still not the most popular norm of beauty. In the black community, the men are not chasing after the Lupitas as much as they are the Beyonces

or those of other races. I can love my natural hair but many black men have vocalized that they do not care for it as much as my straight hair or say they like my curl pattern but not more kinky patterns that other women in my community might possess.


We struggle for acceptance from the very men who say "I don't like women with all these weaves or all that makeup" then turn around and say Beyoncé or Kim Kardashian are so hot. I do not in any way state that this is all of the black community but it is a significant enough topic. I threw this up on a board on facebook and got a lot of feedback from women who had encountered this before. Heck even my dad made comments when I cut my long hair super short in high school and upon seeing me lately puts his hands in my head to see if my hair is real or not. But-

Who cares?

 

How are we defining a black woman on the inside based on what she looks like on the outside? There are numerous reasons a woman will wear a wig, weave, contacts, lashes and many of them have little to do with confidence. We want to put our best face out there to the world, we want to experiment, we want to give our real hair a break from the heat damage, we want to cover hair loss (not just from mistreatment of hair but alopecia or cancer), we just want to be!
And if there are women out there who feel they are not as beautiful because they are not light skin, long haired, light eyed women we can't be surprised based on what media and men of color (be they famous or not) at a larger rate seem to run to. Instead of placing a judgmental post, instead post about the type of women you do like without throwing shade. Black women cannot be all things to all people. We cannot change our color, no matter what the creams say (unless gray is a color you want), our hair may not dry straight. We may want to glam it up. We may want to be "wash and go". Whatever we do to make ourselves smile, let it be just that. Instead of an indictment on our self esteem and values.  

 

Should You Teach a Man?

I’m a girl so by definition I will gripe. It’s what I do, it’s why females make the best talk show hosts. We gots thangs to say and we say them…often. So after numerous email, brunch powwows, girlfriend get togethers, soliloquies, I decided once and for all to do a post about a topic that has been haunting me since I first started dating. To teach or not to teach a guy about proper dating etiquette otherwise known as “things his mama or papa should have told him growing up”.

K, so I get torn between the school of “you can’t train/change a man” and the school of “well if you don’t tell him how will he know?”. I feel that women are used to the former but if you think about it a lot of men will say the latter. I don’t think I can change a man BUT I do believe that you can tell a man what you want and if done the right way and with a man who actually cares, you can “inspire” him to change. I seent it (she says in her Craig Robinson voice). The trick is to do it in a way that is not demanding and gives a guy the desire to want to do it because he wants to see you happy not because he doesn’t want to be nagged or fight with you.

So here are some things I and some other females believe a guy should just know especially by the time they hit 30.

 · Walk me to my car after the date
 · Call me on the phone instead of texting all the time
 · First date should be somewhere close to me or at least a middle distance, not close to him
 · Plan a few dates instead of the last minute “what are you up to tonight”, particularly for the first couple of dates
 · If I’m in a jam (car broke down, sick with a non lethal illness) offer to help.

You might have other pet peeves but these are just the ones that grind my gears. So what’s the fix for these? Do you put up with it and gripe to your gal pals or do you tell the guy?
Turn the page.
Tell them!

If they don’t change, then walk away if you can’t deal but at least give them the benefit of being put on notice. And not in an angry way. All they’ll end up hearing is the Charlie Brown teacher voice with a view of the proverbial “angry black woman”.

So here’s my unsolicited, unprofessional advice to the above pet peeves:

 · Mention that it makes you feel safe or special that he is escorting you
 · Mention that you are a better conversationalist via the phone and that texting doesn’t allow you focus your full attention on the conversation since you can be distracted or not hear the text alert
 · If he plans a first date that is close to where he lives mention the extra distance it takes to get there, that you want to devote more time getting to know him instead of cutting the date short due to the drive there and back and offer another area/place to meet with promises that you’d like to try his first spot in the future when you aren’t so pressed for time.
 · Mention that you like spontaneous guys but you also feel really special when a guy takes the time to plan a date for you. Also mention that you are a busy gal so sometimes last minute rings for dates don’t work out because you try to make plans early in the week (especially for weekends)
 · If I’ve been dating a guy a while and I call him with a problem, while it’s nice to think he’ll be all superman, some guys need to be asked.

Scenario One:
 Me: my car broke down
 Him: that’s horrible. Did you call triple A?
 Me: yes
 Him: good, keep me posted
Old me: thinking- seriously dude? You don't want to offer to pick me up or send me a cab, something?
 New me: I have to figure out how I'm going to get home now from here (hint , hint, then ask him directly if that don't work)

 Scenario two:
 Me: cough cough, I’m sick
 Him: oh no. get plenty of rest and take something for it
 Me: I am….
 Him: Ok cool, well keep me posted, I’ll text you later to check in on you
 Old Me: thinking- he don’t care nuthin bout me (yeah in my Ms. Sophia from the Color Purple voice)
 New Me: Well I could use some chicken soup (or more medicine or a burger whatever you need to help). I’m just too weak to go get it. (hint, hint)

 Morale of the story, it’s not so much about teaching and more about sharing. I expect a person not to rob me but there are plenty of robbers out there. We can’t expect everyone to be raised like us and we definitely can’t expect everyone to value the same things as we do. With that in mind, let a guy know so he’s in on what you have going on in your mind.

My Blog Tour Continues

In week two of my blog tour please look out for the following interviews, excerpts and guest posts this week and don't forget to leave a comment at  CLP Book Tours  to be entered to win an Amazon gift card!  Thanks so much for supporting!

August 26 – The Modern Jane Austen – Excerpt 

August 27 – Little Miss Drama Queen – Review & Excerpt

August 28 – Relatively Yours – Guest Post (on lessons I learned from my dating life)
August 29- Being Mrs.Jones- guest post on dating do-overs and excerpt -http:/beingmrsjones.com

Pay to Play

So a friend and I were discussing paying while dating and in a relationship. Both of us admitted that we are old fashioned kind of gals and don't care much for the 50/50 bit. We also stated that we don't much care for a guy asking us to pay either. But we aren't stingy. I don't mind paying for dates, I just like to feel like a lady who is being courted. If we are doing 50/50 then it doesn't feel that way. I don't have a formula for what percentage is should be. It differs depending on the guy for various reasons.

The key is that I do like to contribute in a relationship. I don't want a guy to end up asking me to start paying for things but I have found that, inevitabely, this will happen. But here's how it goes:

Date 1 - guy pays, no questions
Date 2- guy pays again
Date 3- I offer to help, he says no, sometimes adds an insulted face or an "I'm the man, I pay"
Sometime during the dating game the guy ask in some way or another when I will pay.
Umm, K. I pay. No problem. And then I find myself paying more and more.

Morale of the story, those guys wanted to show off in the beginining which then lead the woman to be accostumed to a certain behavior. Then the guy may not be able to keep up with the expense or start to feel taken advantage of. The woman, assuming she is not selfish, wants to show she isn't all about self and she agrees to pay. But then she finds herself paying more than she thought. Maybe even 50/50 and she starts to become resentful. And who wants to have that conversation about money? Not comfortable.

So what's the fix? I think women need to be clear about their views regarding financially contributing  when dating. I have a friend who states it point blank early on in dating and she hasn't raised a complaint. I think if you tell a guy, hey, I do like to be courted but I'm not selfish and will contribute from time to time (and then actually do that, maybe, earlier on in the relationship) then everyone should be clear on what's expected. On the guys front, do what you can afford to do and if a woman offers then accept that (although not before the first two dates, real talk- if she offers before that she's just doing what she thinks is nice).

But that's just my thoughts.

The Mission: Get Dolled Up...For the Store

So from time to time I will blog about the rules I wrote about in my novel, The Mission. Most of the rules are things I've heard from family, friends, TV or books and I decided to write a novel about a fictional try at following these popular "suggestions". Some of these rules I have actually tried. Others I am conflicted about.

For instance:

Rule #3: Men can be found almost anywhere; you never know who’s out there so always look your best, even when taking out the garbage!

I met my first date since the “mission” began at the grocery store that Monday evening. Per the rules, I had to make an effort to look good wherever I went, so I dressed up for my weekly grocery shopping. Tight jeans, heels, hair down, make up fresh. I spent less time getting ready for work. 

Personally, this has been my hardship. I am one who will go to the grocery store right after a workout. Sweaty, frizzy haired. Guys still flirt because I have nice gym clothes on (hey, it's half the battle of getting me out the door to workout) and they appreciate someone who works out. I actually feel good and therefore am exuding positive energy. The only negative is that I have my earphones in. If I'm jogging/walking from my house to the store I have to have my music and I carry that into the store. The side effect is that it cuts me off from communicating with those around me. 

On the flip side, when I'm out wearing some heels, made up and the like, my energy is also positive and I have actually met people at the grocery store like that as well. I have a friend who said something to the effect when we might want to go out for drinks, that she wanted to get dressed up and "be seen". In basic terms she was feeling herself when she got dressed up and felt she was hot and wanted others to see her at her best thus attracting their attention. It wasn't just the looks, it was the positive energy that came along with getting all dolled up and thinking she was looking good.

I think the morale is, if you are feeling good about yourself, whether it's in your form fitting Pilate pants after a successful workout or a cute dress, that feel good energy is communicated to those around you. So put your best face forward to the world, you never know who's looking. 

Last Chance to win!

Hey good people it's your last weekend to enter to win a ebook copy of my novel The Mission.
Follow this link for details :http://selfpublishersshowcase.com/win-an-ebook-copy-of-c-c-solomons-the-mission/

Here's a synopsis of the book:

Sheila and Denise are successful, funny and attractive, but very single women. Not that being single is horrible; but when Denise is hassled to have a date to an old friend’s wedding-of-the-century, and Shelia needs an escort to an industry banquet where everyone who’s anyone will be in attendance, being single loses its perks. To add to the dilemma, Sheila tells a little white lie to her workplace nemesis about dating a successful music producer, which explodes into a career-threatening rumor. Under extreme pressure from family, friends and coworkers, they resort to making a pact. Their Mission: Get A Man in Three Months. They will use “proven” rules to finding their Mr. Rights. Rules that worked for a friend of a friend …how hard could it be?

Join them in their hilarious, and sometimes heartbreaking adventures as chapter by chapter they follow a new rule, and delve into the treacherous world of Washington, D.C. dating. Surrounded by family drama, stereotypes, workplace stressors and their own hang-ups about love, will the rules actually help them find (and keep) their Mr. Rights in time for their events? 

Good luck! 

The Top 10 DMV Guys We've Dated

As a spin off of this article, I wanted to piggy back and give my take. Dating in the DC/MD/VA (or DMV) can bring its own set of challenges for both men and women. I am not as well versed in the things my male counterparts may say about the women they date, but I see a theme in some of the guys my friends and I have dated. I therefore, present a spin off list: Top DMV Guys We've Dated (this is done more for comedy and obviously I don't think these are the only types of guys in the area or that they are one sided).

• Lives at home guy- No judgment here, the rent is too darn high and buying a house? Fugetaboutit, unless you don't mind living outside of DC area (most of my friends who own, own in Prince Georges or Baltimore). Without knowing this information, most people would raise both eyebrows when meeting a guy in his thirties who lives at home or lives with roommates. But, ok, there is a limit to how long that it remains a good look. No one wants to crash at the dudes house and then wake up to somebody's mama in the kitchen. Unless she's cooking, because I'm sure it's good and I don't live that close to my mom. I'm just saying.

• Lives far away guy- You live where? I never even heard of that town. How far is it? How often do you come to DC? The DMV is unique because of the layout. One can live in PG county, MD and be minutes from Alexandria, VA and yet take an hour to get to parts of Montgomery County, MD which is close to Arlington, VA and they are both close to DC. Confused? Yeah, me too. When I meet someone that says they are from Mitchellville, MD or Reston, VA, I shrug, no idea of how far that is. I just ask how far they are from DC.

• The "busy" guy- DC is full of people grinding and that's not a problem but some people are so busy their excuses sound nonsensical. They forget to get back to you because they were on a business call at 10pm...on a Saturday or don't show up or are late to an event because they were helping their friend build a bridge, who knows, it all sounds sketchy. What are you hiding? Not everyone can work for an Olivia Pope, Secret Service or CIA. Wait, this is DC, maybe they can.

• The afro-centric guy- DC, for all its white collar politicos, is also full of hippies. And those hippies want you to know they are hippie. Most of these guys reside in the suburbs and are found a-plenty in Baltimore. They are known to play the African drums somewhere and just might be a vegan. They might not even drink alcohol. All about clean living. I like dating these guys. I lose weight with them because I don't like to be shame faced as I eat my chicken wings!

• The flirt guy- They call themselves extroverts, promoters of something or other and networkers, but c'mon now, they are flirts. Because sir, you didn't strike up a conversation with the dude next to you at the bar, it was the woman. And hey, with the female to male ratio in DC being so unbalanced, guys have it a little easier because the odds are high that someone will flirt back. But when you have a girl (or a wife)- not cool. Put your ring on and go home! There is not always something better just because there are so many people here. Love the one you with!

• The status guy- You can't be in DC/VA without running into this guy. He wants the big house, shiny car, best job and he wants you to know he has it. And he wants you to have some of these too because he's not looking to take care of someone. He wants the Claire to his Heathcliff Huxable and there are enough lawyers in DC for him to find her. It also wouldn't hurt for you to look like Beyoncé and he will encourage you to workout. (The status guy wants someone accomplished inside and out) If I tell a guy I need to drop a few pounds in Baltimore, he may say "where?" (how kind, sir). If I say it in DC he is asking me what I am going to do to reach that goal.

Anything to add to the list? Guys, what's your take?