I am

I am
On the verge of a breakdown
Smoke out the ears, fire out the mouth, hot like fire
Self reflection leads me in a misdirection
Of where I'm supposed to be
I am
Lost
Because the older I get the less certain I am
Of where I am
This is not the way I planned it
Preparation got me ready for
Nothing
I am
stuck
Immobile
Trying to decipher the puzzle
Not liking the picture
Dissatisfaction gripping me tight around the throat
I am
Unable to breathe
Left gasping for air
Still struggling to survive
And I am
Done

Mother

From past to present you are there for me
I your xeroxed copy from your womb
Young and in awe of you
No greater role model
The stories of your past
Served as guidance for my future
Reminders of shared dreams left to achieve
Ambition gleamed from you
Like a reflection from the suns rays
And I wanted to bask
In the being of you
Tiny feet in too large heels
Posing
Waiting until I was big
I had plans
Hair light brown
My first color of choice
I still am influenced by your trends
With hopes to be just like you
Who moves effortlessly from young diva
to wise sage and back again
No one can capture you
Giving beyond yourself
Knowing that our successes
are the realizations of your dreams
Which will entwine themselves back
Into your own reality
You are fierce
Knowing that we are you
You identify with our struggles
As if they were your own
We were never alone
You are a presence
surrounding us like warmth on a summer afternoon
Taken for granted to remain always
Like water your role in our life changes shape
Caregiver
Authority
Story teller
Advisor
Confidant
Shoulder
Thank you.

Safety

My safety is a wall
An impenetrable force standing wide and tall
It is an invisible but protective structure
That will mislead another
into thinking that I am open to be used
and willing to be abused
I have you fooled because I smile and am quiet
into thinking you've got it
Until you hit my own version of safety
Body hurt, Left perplexed because you could not see
Now it stands there
imposingly tall
You try to climb it only to fall,
hurting your pride as you slam into the ground
You push against it uncertain if its sound
but you fail because this wall was built long ago
with bricks made of disrespect, abuse, lies, a pain I didn't know
Stuck together with thoughtlessness, ignorance and empathy
I used those materials to construct a wall so high and so wide for me
that i too became a part of it
a hardened force not to be broken, cracked, damaged and split
I am safe

Untitiled

An old poem I found while cleaning out my desk at home....

Whirling, twirling, masses of emotion masked in steel
Splashing out at illusions, never were they real
Feelings of betrayal so hot they start a fire
Wishing from this pursuit one could retire
Kindness taken for weakness, using it as a tool
Playing loyalty, trust and honesty for a fool
Values are tested, played, rearranged
By others whose ideals are costly, hearts deranged
Destruction of compassion, no good can come of it
No souls pure can win when crushing a spirit
Righteous indignation from others who observed
Feelings of confusion left wondering, left disturbed
Tired, unfocused, left looking for the light
Given solutions but still not feeling right
Wish I never knew...

Hopeless(ness)

Copyright October 5, 2007
Hopeless
Time goes fast but I move slow
To a destination of nowhere
Pointless
A circular motion of sameness
Exhaustion of movement but no finish
Relentless
A constant repetition of the undesirable
A battery of pain that never subsides
Thoughtlessness
All hopes and dreams dissipate like smoke into nothingness
A long forgotten moment
Aimless
Crushed dreams, last finger slipping form the ledge of a hope-filled reality
Battered heart, body and soul leading to darkness
Hopelessness

Stupid Girl

Doubt ripples through me like cold waves on a beach shore line.
I am indecisive and I huff in frustration,
Elbows perched carelessly on my knees.
I wish someone would just tell me what to do
So that if I make the wrong choice I can blame them instead of myself.
The phone rings and vibrates on my bed side table.
I quickly turn and lean to grab it.
It’s a friend of mine.
I glance at it in disgust.
I’m too depressed to talk to anyone right now.
Can’t focus on what their saying.
But staring at my blank wall is proving exhausting.
I still don’t answer.
Instead I lean back on the bed to stare at the popcorn textured ceiling.
Angry tears fall down my face to my pillow.
Choices.
Choices I’ve made to make others happy.
Not my own.
I’d rather have them pleased with me than please myself.
The consequences are devastating.
The consequences have me staring at my phone, checking emails, hating myself.
Because no matter what choice I make, for myself or for others,
Someone will be unhappy.
I’d rather it be me.
I know I can forgive myself.
But my faith in others isn’t so high.
I wonder if they make choices based on how I’ll feel.
I don’t think they do.
It never seems that way.
I turn to my side in anger, sighing heavily, head shaking in discontent.
I cared too much what other’s thought.
I let them rule how I lived my life.
Now I am left here,
Unsure of myself
While he is
Gone.