Traveling While Black: London

In my second post on international travel while being a brown gal we go to England. London to be exact. I studied there for a summer in law school. While there I traveled to other parts of England and also to Germany and France (to be discussed in another post).

I have a strong nostalgia for my time in London but the start was a little shaky. I flew there with many of my class mates and we all were wearing our dorky summer law school program shirts. We got off the plane together. Went through security. Yet I was the one who was randomly stopped and questioned about why I was in the country. Sure I was the only black girl in the group, but I had the same shirt. I stood, embarrassed, as I answered their questions as my class mates stared, walking by me. They asked me several questions. Why was I there? Where was I staying? How long would I be there? What did I do for a living etc.  Was this random? I try not to be super sensitive about this stuff but of course you can't help but have a little voice inside you ask, why, out of all the students was I, the sole black person, picked out and questioned so vigorously? Prior to 9/11 black women were the top group racially profiled on planes (we are drug mules for our drug dealing boyfriends of course). Therefore, the thought did cross my 22 year old mind that perhaps I was being profiled.

I was beginning to wonder if this whole study abroad thing was a good idea.

But I made it to my dorm and hoped for the best since I was going to be there a while and, well, it got better. To be honest, I ended up finding the people of England to be very delightful. They were very friendly to me. It felt like New York (where I stayed in London) but with some southern hospitality. One day I literally stood at a corner with a map opened,  confused about where to go when a nice older white lady asked me if I needed help and then proceeded to give me good directions to my destination.
I mean, people here will help if you ask but they just don't stop and offer, at least not in my experience. And especially not in a big city. That moment always stuck out to me.
I also visited the English country side and beach and Cambridge. All pleasant, racially uneventful experiences.

For a time, and maybe still, I was especially hoping to get back to London.  I enjoyed the diversity and trendiness of the city. It took a while, but I even learned about Brixton, which is an area of London where many black people lived and they even had their own history of racism similar to the L.A. riots. I found a black beauty supply store there so, needless to say, I felt I had it all!


One other thing I enjoy about the British culture is in its media. They aren't as concerned about fulfilling a certain type for their lead roles. I saw way more inter racial couples on TV then (this was early 2000s) than in the US and not all the actresses were thin blondes. Yet the "plain jane" or the brown person was as popular as ever. Before we had a black person leading a mostly a main stream  (Scandal) they had Luther
(Idris and all his accent glory). Only now is US getting in on the game.

Of course I know the history of slavery with this country so I am not saying that racism does not exist here. But for a summer, I was fortunate enough to not experience it and that gets my thumbs up for a city that is safe and comfortable to travel to while black.

Traveling While Black: Barcelona

I absolutely love to travel. In my pretend life I'd love to be a black female version of Anthony Bourdain, except with more focus on shopping instead of food ;-) .  But as a female I can't just pick up and go. I don't have a camera crew with me and although certain places sound awesome, when planning a trip I don't just look at what sites there are to see but what the culture is like towards women and African Americans. I'm not into spending my money in a city in which they will go around calling me the N word, nor a town where I fear for my safety.

Regardless of anything, traveling the world as a black female is markedly different than as a white male. If you thought we faced racism and stereotyping in our own country imagine what

a country that is not as diverse or not raised in our history must think of us. How one sided would a person think if their only experience with black people are what shows and news were exported to their country?

I've been traveling overseas, off and on, for almost twenty years (since I was two, yeah two years old) and my experience has changed over time and depending on the countries. I am fairly certain that there is a link between the media's images of black women and how I am treated.

I will be doing a series of posts dedicated to my experiences traveling overseas as a black woman and would love to hear if others experience things differently or the same regardless of race and gender.

First up:

Barcelona, Spain- my first time experiencing out in your face racism. I loved my time in this country (the shopping, the history, the food) but the racism I experienced will always mar my memories of this place. I hope its better there now. But at the time that I went, the 90s, there weren't a lot of exports of black people in the media. Further some European countries that saw an influx of African immigrants did not appreciate it and extended that negative attitude towards tourist of the African diaspora. It boggles my mind how people can just treat others they don't know poorly.

I came to Spain as part of a group of students and we lived in the homes of the locals. I am not sure my Spanish teacher told the couple we were staying with that we were black. She shouldn't have had to but sadly, these things matter. The couple did seemed surprised to find we were black and showed quickly that they were not comfortable with us there. We never had dinner with them, instead they served us after they ate. And the food was not good (some of the meat was bleeding okay?). Deciding that we didn't deserve that, my roommate and I just ate out every night for dinner. They told my teacher we were messy (I was not and the clothes on the floor they claimed were ours were sometimes theirs). We ended up spending the last night in a hotel so we could have one good night there. On our way out we gave the family flowers and a thanks because we were raised right. In response they just asked us for the key to the house.

In contrast my other classmates were fortunate enough to stay in good homes so I won't blame the whole country. It is just sad that we were off the start treated like second class citizens without having done anything wrong. There were other events (being called a monkey, having some club goers throw ice at us in the club) that really tarnish my memories of the place.

In that same time, I also experienced local males (adults) being overtly flirtatious with us, to the point of harassment in some cases. I was a teenager so this was scary. I still blame this on the export of rap videos which, at the time, featured an array of scantily clad black women. If that's all you see of black culture well, if you're closed minded enough, you act on that.

In sum, would I steer black people away from visiting Barcelona? No way. It was a nice time and most of the people were friendly. It's just interesting to note  that even a time of rest and relaxation can be uprooted by people who feel entitled to mistreat you based solely on your race.

What would you do?

The other day I caught a segment on the today show regarding public verbal and physical assault between couples and how bystanders would react. They discuss the difference between most of the public response to Solange/Jay Z on the elevator vs. Ray Rice and his wife. For the former there was laughter and an SNL skit, for the latter, there was outrage and what appeared to be more of a hunt to punish athletes who had assault charges pending.

In the segment they showed fake scenarios where a man was verbally assaulting a woman and then visa versa. In the first, people intervened to stop it. In the second, people did nothing, some took photos and recordings and one even joined helping to hit the guy when the woman was hitting him. It is clear as a culture we have a different standard for violence when it comes to men and women (I'd even venture into race but I'll save that for another day).

So what does that mean? Is it right to let women go around assaulting people unchecked? If there was a video of Syrena Williams kicking her man or knocking him out with her shoe (or whatever) and then getting her bodyguard to drag his body out the elevator would she be suspended from tennis? Even if she was defending herself against his aggression?

How much should we get involved if we see verbal/physical assault? Is it none of our business? I remember some friends and I were out one night and we saw this couple arguing. She was storming away and he kept following her. This went on for a while and she looked extremely upset and he was not leaving her alone. Eventually, one of my friends went up to her and asked if she was ok and needed any help. The woman kind of brushed her off like she didn't want to be bothered. I feel like my friend was being a good human being and the fact that this woman didn't want her help is irrelevant. Whether you are the couple involved in the argument/fight or not, we as a society need to stand up against it all. All types.

This includes letting the victim know that we don't approve either. As support and also as a message that violence is not an action our culture is tolerant of no matter who the aggressor is and how the victim chooses to react to it.

The Judgement

Someone posted on facebook that, to paraphrase, women who wear weaves and fake lashes are hypocritical and lack confidence. This got me thinking. The whole issue of black women wearing weaves etc.  and the idea of beauty is big in the black community. I haven't witnessed this as much in other communities even though other races are not strangers to cosmetic changes (coloring hair, implants, tans). We are women, we experiment with different things to make us happy. However, it seems that no other group gets criticized for it more than black women.

The hard core naturals want us all to rock our hair unaltered. The main stream wants us to have long straight hair. If you do one or the other something is wrong. We as brown women are inundated with images of fair complexions, long, straight (mostly blond) hair with hazel/blue/green eyes. We are told that is the beauty norm. This is why I get so excited to see brown women (in positive lights) in the media. It was everywhere when Lupita was on the cover of People's Most Beautiful. And Shondra Rhimes has put brown women in starring roles on TV. Kerry on Scandal and Viola on How to Get Away with Murder and the new character on Grey's Anatomy is a natural girl. Love it.

But let's be clear, these are instances and still not the most popular norm of beauty. In the black community, the men are not chasing after the Lupitas as much as they are the Beyonces

or those of other races. I can love my natural hair but many black men have vocalized that they do not care for it as much as my straight hair or say they like my curl pattern but not more kinky patterns that other women in my community might possess.


We struggle for acceptance from the very men who say "I don't like women with all these weaves or all that makeup" then turn around and say Beyoncé or Kim Kardashian are so hot. I do not in any way state that this is all of the black community but it is a significant enough topic. I threw this up on a board on facebook and got a lot of feedback from women who had encountered this before. Heck even my dad made comments when I cut my long hair super short in high school and upon seeing me lately puts his hands in my head to see if my hair is real or not. But-

Who cares?

 

How are we defining a black woman on the inside based on what she looks like on the outside? There are numerous reasons a woman will wear a wig, weave, contacts, lashes and many of them have little to do with confidence. We want to put our best face out there to the world, we want to experiment, we want to give our real hair a break from the heat damage, we want to cover hair loss (not just from mistreatment of hair but alopecia or cancer), we just want to be!
And if there are women out there who feel they are not as beautiful because they are not light skin, long haired, light eyed women we can't be surprised based on what media and men of color (be they famous or not) at a larger rate seem to run to. Instead of placing a judgmental post, instead post about the type of women you do like without throwing shade. Black women cannot be all things to all people. We cannot change our color, no matter what the creams say (unless gray is a color you want), our hair may not dry straight. We may want to glam it up. We may want to be "wash and go". Whatever we do to make ourselves smile, let it be just that. Instead of an indictment on our self esteem and values.  

 

Black Women Are Ugly?

(my misadventures in Italy will be continued but I had to comment on this first)

We were enslaved, raped, had families ripped apart, struggled for success, have a low chance of getting married, now we’re ugly? Well that’s the case according to my new arch enemy Psychology Today and their pseudo study regarding why black women are less attractive than women of other races.

I am angered by the audacity of the piece and the magazine for validating it by publishing it (seriously I am breaking a sweat trying to find a publisher but you can print this crap?). I have to ask myself why the writer felt the need to even study this topic but the question doesn’t remain unanswered long.

Somewhere the Black is Beautiful idea fell to the way side when it came to women (note: the alleged study says black men are the most attractive race of males but uses stereotypes to support this).  Our media (movies, music videos, TV, magazines, modeling industry) kicked us to the background in support of a repeated pattern of light (mixed, Latina, white), long, straight haired women.

Lucky for me I grew up right before this movement took hold but by the time I graduated college, if you were a hippy, dark skinned girl with kinky hair you were hard pressed to find anyone shouting your beauty besides other women trying to uplift each other.

And the swarm of black male actors dressing as black women didn’t help that image either. Especially when these women were all obese, ghetto and unattractive.  I mean when men dressed as white women in the movies at least their characters tried to look cute (from Some Like it Hot to White Chicks).

And when you see a swarm of black men, especially those with money/fame/success, go for white women and then learn the rate of black women getting married is only 40% no wonder some idiot decided to take notice and comment about it. With such negative images of black women about of course there must be something to it!

It’s not really about our looks but the way we are looked at! America, not just black women, has a problem with obesity (and Hispanics rank as the number one obese group). So it’s not just the weight. It’s the battle we have with trying to fit an image that is not intended for us to fit. And yes, I could encourage black women to take off the weaves, and in other countries stop bleaching their skin but that won’t solve the problem.

Black Girls Rock, yes but we have got to get some buy in from others. On a purely superficial stance how can you say that we are less attractive? We have some great beauties of color from Naomi Campbell to Lela Kibede, Gabrielle Union, Kerry Washington, Tyra Banks, Nia Long, Sanna Latham, Keri Hilson, Beyonce, Iman, Dianne Carroll, Stacey Dash, Megan Goode (heck even those reality show women are cute).  Seriously?

I’ve had men of other races (at least three times I can remember) literally tell me that they usually aren’t attracted to black women but that I’m an exception. Are you kidding me? The reality is you are attracted to black women but you just haven’t encountered many in your day to day that you find attractive. I’ve seen a cute guy of every race so I never rule out a group no matter how rare it is that I see them. The fact that men feel comfortable even saying that to me is the problem I have with this article all together.

When did it become okay to dehumanize black women? Who said our feelings don’t get hurt and why doesn’t anyone care but us?

If you’d like to sign the petition against Psychology Today to issue an apology please click this link. http://act.colorofchange.org/sign/psychtoday

We Look Too

May 1, 2011

A friend recently sent an email out taking an informal survey regarding whether women could determine if someone is attractive simply by looking at them. I’ve heard time and again (and may have said this myself) that women can’t determine whether a man is attractive just by looking. That we need to know them a bit first. This is not totally true. See , I think women can clearly look at a picture of a Flava Flav and say, hmm, not for me. Or a picture of a Laz Alonso or a Bradley Cooper and say- that there is a hot man. What we can’t say (well not all of us) is “I want to get with that man”.

For most women we need to get a sense of their personality (even if fictional) or see them in action to get an idea of whether we are attracted to them. This is why so many “okay” looking musicians, comedians, athletes and politicians get a lot more attention from women than their physical attributes would predict. Women place looks in contexts. Hardly anybody was saying Robert Pattison was hot when he was in Harry Potter but all of sudden he’s hot because of Twilight? I’m not into him at all but I thought he looked more attractive in the Potter movie and even his new movie Water for Elephants (and he wasn’t pale and sparkly, seriously a sparkly man is hot?) The thing is, vampires are apparently hot and therefore, Robert Pattison as a vampire is hot.

Context, get it?

Teen girls hang pictures of the Jonas Brothers or Justin Bieber on their walls because the boys are allegedly cute celebrities whom they have seen in action (say in an MTV music video). Teen boys might hang a picture of a video vixen or play mate they just saw in a male magazine simply on the hotness factor alone. Not to say it’s impossible for a girl to put up a picture of a hot unknown guy on their bedroom wall but if she’s daydreaming about a guy, it’s someone she knows or has seen in action (acting, singing, playing a sport) not Mr. February in last month’s issue of Cosmo magazine.

I suspect that a man can look at a woman and say “I’m attracted to her, I want to get with that” and not know a darn thing about her (it’s the basis of how many movies?). This is why I've heard guys say women who are stuck up or mean can get a lot of guys to put up with their drama even at the early stages of dating if they are hot enough. Whereas a woman won’t put up with that crap even if he’s hot (but she might if she was desperate for a man or wanted his status/money).

Now I know many a guy just wants us to admit that looks matter to us just like it does to men and it does, but not to the same degree. Our make-up isn’t programmed like that and it makes sense. Historically, men wanted a pretty face to help take their minds off the world’s troubles and women wanted a provider to make them comfortable so that they had time to keep themselves looking good to help said men take their minds off the world’s troubles. Now as the gender roles are changing, I think looks are becoming more of a focus with women but still not as much as men think because the desire for marriage and love overpowers the pettiness of wanting a man with a chiseled body. But the key remains that women still want someone they are physically attracted to. I just think women have different standards of what’s attractive based on other influences than what the eye sees alone.

Yes, I Do Exercise

I know, I’m a black woman, who exercises, how did that happen? More importantly why is it that some folk are so surprised or encouraged to hear about it? Now, as you hopefully know by now, I am not a big proponent of stereotyping but the reality in most areas of our fair country is that there are far less black women getting our Jane Fonda on than are.


And it’s not because we are inhumanely healthy or are born with fast metabolisms (that’s a rare diamond deal). We just aren’t doing it. At least not enough.

Now I live in a little area where black women and Latinas are showing up at the gym in full force and most of my instructors happen to be black women. However, outside my little world I know there are far too many of us using the same excuses to avoid the gym.

You don’t want to pay the fee for a gym.

You don’t want to ruin your hair.

You’ve got too much to do.

It’s boring to workout.

Here’s my response:

Don’t pay the fee for a gym, workout at home. In an age of Netflix, Comcast on demand, fit tv, PX whatever, you can do this at home while watching Grey’s Anatomy if you like.

Hair, okay, I’d rather go around with my Rudy Huxtible hair for a few days a week and look toned than have a fabulous do’ supporting my many chins.

Like jello, there is always room for working out. I’ve seen people at the gym on bikes/treadmills/ellipticals, reading school work as they go. Cook for the week on the weekends so you don’t have to rush home to make dinner, workout in the mornings before your day gets away from you. Walk your dog, walk your kids, walk your husbands, just get out there! Where there is a will, there is a way!

As for boring, boo, there are so many types of workouts that there’s something for you. I was able to still workout when I had a broken toe and was in a walking cast for three months (I just did Pilates).

No excuses. Now go out there and prove them wrong. Sistas know how to work it and work out!

The Posterior Problem

As we close out Women’s History Month, I thought this rant would be befitting as it has plagued me for at least the last ten years of my life. Something technically illegal yet so socially accepted that people are taken by surprise if you are angered by it. No, I’m not talking about jaywalking or speeding, I’m talking about the disrespectful act of slapping a woman on her butt.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines assault as the act of committing an unwanted or offensive physical or verbal attack. Altoug the laws vary from state to state on sexual assault unwanted touching of a sexual nature is usually involved. Most women (I won’t generalize) do not welcome getting slapped on the butt, particularly by a stranger, and the act of slapping is by definition an attack, therefore what we have here boys and girls is a common place sexual assault (at the very least harassment) happening to women on a regular basis. We accept it because, as in many situations of assault, we fear repercussion or ridicule.

And let’s be honest, it’s not really happening as we women walk down the local grocery store aisle or head to a work meeting (well not in this decade, although, wait,  there are some EEO cases…), we encounter it most often at social gatherings and night life. Therefore, maybe, in that environment, we are welcoming the possibility of such contact, at least that was what I was told by some very understanding males (please note the sarcasm!). Or perhaps we shouldn’t wear such tight fitting clothes or the short skirts that are in right now (hey J.Lo has a body guard, we don’t). Whatever, as if clothes were always the reason for attacking a woman.

And let’s be real, in an age where some men find it okay to grab a woman he doesn’t know by the hand or arm while she’s walking or ask her for a hug (please tell me I am not the only one this happens to) like it’s common place, there isn’t a big leap to sexual assault. Yet, who talks about it? I’m not a mother but if I ever have kids and have a boy it wasn’t at the top of my list to remind them along with opening doors for women that you shouldn’t grab them or smack them on the butt. But maybe we should say it. And maybe we should also tell our daughters (and ourselves) that it’s not acceptable. And while I won’t promote violence like slapping them back…we should report it if it happens at work or at the bar.

We live in a world where women’s bodies are too commercialized and, as a result, not made our own. However, in the great words of Detective Murtaugh from Lethal Weapon “I’m getting too old for this "s*&^”.

And in other words from the Dancehall reggae singer Patra “my property is my property”, so don’t touch!

Images from jonkstuff.blogspot.com and picturesof.net

Why?

Is what went through my head when I found out the alleged killer of the young woman slain in the Bethesda clothing store a couple of weeks ago was a black female coworker. Now don’t get me wrong, I am saddened a young woman was killed and a bit relieved that this was not a random act of violence in an area thought to be safe. However, as a black woman, every time I hear about another black person doing something negative, I still cringe. Yes, I know what this person did doesn’t or shouldn’t affect me but lets be honest; even today, many people still judge us by the color of our skin and not the content of our character. Before I open my mouth, there are many people out there who think they know all there is to know about me simply because I am a black woman. I can’t begin to count the many times I’ve had to tell someone not to treat me a certain way based on stereotypes of women or black people or the combination of the two.

Really sir, you’re surprised I’m not an unwed mother?
Yes, I actually dig U2 and many other rock groups, past and present.
Surprising, I know, but I’m actually not after your money.
Yes, it is shocking that I don’t have an unprovoked bad attitude.

The last one really “grinds my gears” because there are so many people (and by people, I mean folks of all races) who fall prey to the idea that black women are mean. And there are many out there ready to exploit that thought to the fullest.

Especially in the media. Shall I count the many reality shows featuring angry, mean spirited black women. There’s Basketball Wives, Housewives of Atlanta, Bad Girls Club, The Apprentice (have you seen Star Jones and Nene Leaks go at it?) random VH1 celebrity dating show. And even shows that focus on black women as alleged friends fall into the “black women gotta hate on each other” routine. Although Girlfriends was what I dubbed the black Sex and the City, rival gangs had closer ties than these women and the series ended with one of the characters never mending her friendship with one of the other ladies (granted she left the series but still… and the show never got an official finale- I don’t want to see it as a stage play like they did for the Jeffersons so they could have some closure to their canceled series. Okay back to the program recently in progress). And don’t get me started on the Game; is anyone friends on that show?

Oh and other shows that feature a black female character (hard to find but there are some) sometimes fall into the routine. For the first few seasons of Grey’s Anatomy, the only black female on the show was called “the Nazi”. Regina King’s character in Southland and Jada Pinkett's character in Hawthorne are both tough but in a good way as one is a good detective and the other is a nurse fighting for her patients and fellow nurses. Still the underlying message is black women can have a tough edge.

And that’s fine if used in a positive light or at the very least shown in as much light as the negative images. Now that Oprah is going off the air, where is the balance? These images affect who wants to date us, hire us, befriend us, and provide customer service to us. And yes, I know that what this girl did in Bethesda wasn't fiction and there are many women who embody the sterotypes we are fighting against just please don't lump me in those same groups.

So how about for every Precious movie we have to applaud let’s send some spotlight to For Colored Girls (I’m sorry, Loretta Divine or Kimberly Elise should have got at least an Oscar nod but I guess they weren’t angry enough) and for every act of violence by a black woman that is televised can we show some positive actions by black women? Hey, if I need to volunteer in Japan to help where I can I would (just someone give me some money to get there and explain to my manager at my new job!). That may be asking too much, I'm well aware but let’s just show some other sides to us, because, like all people, we are not one dimensional!

*steps off soap box...until another day*