Should You Teach a Man?

I’m a girl so by definition I will gripe. It’s what I do, it’s why females make the best talk show hosts. We gots thangs to say and we say them…often. So after numerous email, brunch powwows, girlfriend get togethers, soliloquies, I decided once and for all to do a post about a topic that has been haunting me since I first started dating. To teach or not to teach a guy about proper dating etiquette otherwise known as “things his mama or papa should have told him growing up”.

K, so I get torn between the school of “you can’t train/change a man” and the school of “well if you don’t tell him how will he know?”. I feel that women are used to the former but if you think about it a lot of men will say the latter. I don’t think I can change a man BUT I do believe that you can tell a man what you want and if done the right way and with a man who actually cares, you can “inspire” him to change. I seent it (she says in her Craig Robinson voice). The trick is to do it in a way that is not demanding and gives a guy the desire to want to do it because he wants to see you happy not because he doesn’t want to be nagged or fight with you.

So here are some things I and some other females believe a guy should just know especially by the time they hit 30.

 · Walk me to my car after the date
 · Call me on the phone instead of texting all the time
 · First date should be somewhere close to me or at least a middle distance, not close to him
 · Plan a few dates instead of the last minute “what are you up to tonight”, particularly for the first couple of dates
 · If I’m in a jam (car broke down, sick with a non lethal illness) offer to help.

You might have other pet peeves but these are just the ones that grind my gears. So what’s the fix for these? Do you put up with it and gripe to your gal pals or do you tell the guy?
Turn the page.
Tell them!

If they don’t change, then walk away if you can’t deal but at least give them the benefit of being put on notice. And not in an angry way. All they’ll end up hearing is the Charlie Brown teacher voice with a view of the proverbial “angry black woman”.

So here’s my unsolicited, unprofessional advice to the above pet peeves:

 · Mention that it makes you feel safe or special that he is escorting you
 · Mention that you are a better conversationalist via the phone and that texting doesn’t allow you focus your full attention on the conversation since you can be distracted or not hear the text alert
 · If he plans a first date that is close to where he lives mention the extra distance it takes to get there, that you want to devote more time getting to know him instead of cutting the date short due to the drive there and back and offer another area/place to meet with promises that you’d like to try his first spot in the future when you aren’t so pressed for time.
 · Mention that you like spontaneous guys but you also feel really special when a guy takes the time to plan a date for you. Also mention that you are a busy gal so sometimes last minute rings for dates don’t work out because you try to make plans early in the week (especially for weekends)
 · If I’ve been dating a guy a while and I call him with a problem, while it’s nice to think he’ll be all superman, some guys need to be asked.

Scenario One:
 Me: my car broke down
 Him: that’s horrible. Did you call triple A?
 Me: yes
 Him: good, keep me posted
Old me: thinking- seriously dude? You don't want to offer to pick me up or send me a cab, something?
 New me: I have to figure out how I'm going to get home now from here (hint , hint, then ask him directly if that don't work)

 Scenario two:
 Me: cough cough, I’m sick
 Him: oh no. get plenty of rest and take something for it
 Me: I am….
 Him: Ok cool, well keep me posted, I’ll text you later to check in on you
 Old Me: thinking- he don’t care nuthin bout me (yeah in my Ms. Sophia from the Color Purple voice)
 New Me: Well I could use some chicken soup (or more medicine or a burger whatever you need to help). I’m just too weak to go get it. (hint, hint)

 Morale of the story, it’s not so much about teaching and more about sharing. I expect a person not to rob me but there are plenty of robbers out there. We can’t expect everyone to be raised like us and we definitely can’t expect everyone to value the same things as we do. With that in mind, let a guy know so he’s in on what you have going on in your mind.

Tales of a First Time Solo Traveler

I have never traveled alone. Sure I've studied abroad and gone to a work conference but I always knew people who were going and they weren't for fun. There were planned classes/workshops that took the thought out of what to do and going to class or training alone isn't so hard.

But taking the time to actually travel for pleasure on your own can be a bit daunting. I have two images in my mind, one of a woman getting kidnapped like in Taken. The other is of Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie in Sex and the City during the series finale (An American Girl in Paris Part Deux). She roams around Paris alone (her boyfriend busy with work), eats alone (eats a lot), sits alone, looks longingly at groups of gal pals together, steps in some crap. It's a pretty sad scene coupled with some sad french music. Needless to say, I did not want to travel alone.

But something compelled me to try it out. Would it be liberating. Would it get me out of my comfort zone and force me to be more in tune with the world and others?

So I got in my car and did a two hour plus drive to Philadelphia from the D.C. area. Okay not a big trip, but girl needs baby steps. So here are some things I learned:

1. You take a lot of selfies or pictures of landmarks/scenery. I wanted to take some pictures with the scenes behind me but I don't trust strangers to not take off with my camera phone to snap a photo of me so well...
2. Eating alone makes you very conscious of what you eat. I grabbed a bite to eat and sat at the bar, alone, my phone had died and I forgot to bring a book. So I ate with just me and my thoughts. It made me pay attention to the food and I ate slower and ate less. Which is good. I think I will try to do that more often. Eat at a table instead of in front of a TV or while working which distracts me from the act of eating.One thing to note, i also ate out a lot. I wanted more down time and eating out was it so although I ate less at each outing, I did go on more outings.
3. You can do what you want. You don't have to discuss it. Just do it. Want to get up and go workout, just go? Want to veer off the plans? Why not?
4. Nighttime can be lonely. I wouldn't want to go out at night alone. For safety reasons mainly. I have a history of attracting wierdos in the daytime, no need to go off alone in a place I am not familiar with at night. So you can end up in your hotel on a Saturday listening to others go out and have a good time. (Lucky for me I had a friend there and I met up with her so I did go out).
5. Try not to look like a traveler which draws undesired attention to you. I pride myself on blending in and feel a sense of accomplishment when I get approached by tourist asking me for directions (which I cannot help them with). My secret? Use your phone's map instead of a big paper map and if you can't use the wifi/data, snap a photo of the map and look at the picture of the map on your phone. 
6. You notice your surroundings a lot more. I am aware of what's behind me and I talk to strangers more because, well, who else I'm going to talk to?
7. Get lost. Seriously. Getting lost helps you learn a city. I mean don't walk down a scary alley way but turning a wrong way and getting back to the right way can really help you learn your way around a place.
8. You read more. If you have down time, you get more time to read. If I was with someone, we'd probably just chat and being alone forces you to pick up a book.

Well those are the thing I learned on my own. I had a good time and I lucked out with no traffic. I'd do it again. Not ready for international travel alone but this was pretty enlightening. 

Last Chance to win!

Hey good people it's your last weekend to enter to win a ebook copy of my novel The Mission.
Follow this link for details :http://selfpublishersshowcase.com/win-an-ebook-copy-of-c-c-solomons-the-mission/

Here's a synopsis of the book:

Sheila and Denise are successful, funny and attractive, but very single women. Not that being single is horrible; but when Denise is hassled to have a date to an old friend’s wedding-of-the-century, and Shelia needs an escort to an industry banquet where everyone who’s anyone will be in attendance, being single loses its perks. To add to the dilemma, Sheila tells a little white lie to her workplace nemesis about dating a successful music producer, which explodes into a career-threatening rumor. Under extreme pressure from family, friends and coworkers, they resort to making a pact. Their Mission: Get A Man in Three Months. They will use “proven” rules to finding their Mr. Rights. Rules that worked for a friend of a friend …how hard could it be?

Join them in their hilarious, and sometimes heartbreaking adventures as chapter by chapter they follow a new rule, and delve into the treacherous world of Washington, D.C. dating. Surrounded by family drama, stereotypes, workplace stressors and their own hang-ups about love, will the rules actually help them find (and keep) their Mr. Rights in time for their events? 

Good luck! 

Thing not to ask single people over the age of 30 if you expect a real answer

I know people are well meaning and no one asks these questions to be mean. It's just that people tend to think the way they live their lives and the opportunities that have been afforded them are normal. If we've gone to college we don't understand those who don't? If we love the suburbs we can't get why anyone would want to live in a congested city. If we are travel lovers we don't get how there are people who have never left the country.  But when it comes to being a single 30 something person, some things happen on purpose and some things happen by chance. And for the most part, it's the latter. Therefore, asking a person in their late twenties and up these questions will rarely, if ever, provide you with a suitable answer. In fact, I provide matching questions that I find equally hard to answer to give a feel of just how difficult answering these questions can be.

1. Don't you still want to get married? Don't you still want to have your health?:  Unless I profess not wanting to get married, asking me if I still want to get married because you have deemed that I should have been married by now doesn't help. Thanks for highlighting that I haven't met "the one" yet.
2. Why are you still single? Why haven't you won the lotto? For those who want to find love, being single, for the most part, is not a conscious decision. It just is what it is. I haven't turned down any respectable marriage proposals. I don't think any answer to this question will result in anything meaningful beyond "I just haven't found the right one" or "I'm taking a break on dating right now". Does that answer really satisfy you?
3. Why don't you have kids? Why haven't you lost that weight you've been talking about dropping? Ok, you might not want to really ask someone that but I find the first question equally annoying. Unless I have said that I don't want kids. If I am not married and never have been, then your answer probably is that since I'm not married or divorced/widowed, I don't have kids. I don't think I've reached the time yet  (is there a time?) where I am expected to actively get inseminated or adopt on my own. There should be no expectation that one must be a single mother (or father- do men get asked this question? Seriously if you are a 40 (because I think men get more time) year old man who was never married and had no kids, do people ask you this?).
4. Why don't you have a new/high end car? Why don't you give me some money? I think people assume that you have all this money if you are single and without kids. I wish. I have a child and she is called a student loan. And if you have no dependents or property you aren't getting as much back in your taxes. And not sharing the payment of rent/mortgage, utilities/cable/internet can add up for jut one person to pay.
5. Why don't you own a home yet? Will you co-sign for me? I am not a homeowner at this time for several reasons but I will tell you this, like I wrote earlier, it's easier on the pockets to split a mortgage. And when something goes wrong with the house, I'm an old fashioned gal, I'd like he man to fix it.