Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Pimp Slap Awards

April 17, 2011

Okay, Type A Cosmo girl does not condone unprovoked violence of any kind (unless it’s to a bug; I have no sympathy for them, since to me they are disease spreading trespassers). However, in comedic theory, if I were the aggressive type who had no fear of incarceration or building bad karma, I believe these people would be well deserving of an old school ,70’s blaxplotation, pimp slap…

1. People who talk too loud on the subway, movie theater, office. Really any public place, especially early in the morning. Why must you talk loud? No one needs to know that someone is kind enough to respond back to the words coming out of your mouth! Raises my hand…

2. People who are aggressive drivers or drive in such a way that makes me look like I am an aggressive driver (because of course I’m not!), especially those who don’t signal before jumping in front of me or jump in front with hardly any space for them causing me to veer off the lane or road. A pimp slap awaits you.

3. Verizon tech support service. Seriously you close after 9 (earlier on Saturdays) and aren’t open on Sundays? What kind of hillbilly foolishness is that? So if my service stops working Saturday after 5pm I’m out of luck until Monday morning? Even Comcast has around the clock service. Everyone over there, stand up in a single file line so it’s easier for me to slap you all.

4. To the woman who has my same name and almost the exact same social security number but horrendously bad credit- you got one coming. It took me several months to clear my credit when the lazy credit reporting companies just assumed you were me (even though the information is not the exact same and there were judgments against you before I was even born).

5. Lazy people. It’s a recession and you act like you don’t have to worry about keeping your job. Trust me; there are a lot of unemployed people out there willing to work hard to get the job done. And a pimp slap wake up call for you!

6. Teenagers.

7. Men who cat-call very inappropriate things especially when I’m on my way to work or with colleagues or on a date. It’s embarrassing. A pimp slap to you good sir!

8. Loud neighbors. I shouldn’t have to feel that I live below a minotaur. If you can’t walk like a regular human and not at obscene hours of the night, then stay on the first floor! Knock, knock, opens door, *pimp slap*

9. People who walk slow in front of you, particularly when you are getting off the subway or trying to get on or up the escalator to catch your train. I actually don’t want to pimp slap these people. I just want to pick them up Incredible Hulk style and toss them aside. Is that wrong?


10. Doctors and Hairdressers who make you wait a long time even though you have an appointment. If I wasn’t civilized and didn’t want to get seen at a particular time I wouldn’t have made an appointment. Otherwise I would have shown up whenever I wanted and headbutted anyone who was in front of me. But nooo, I follow the rules and end up waiting an extra hour to be seen. If only I could enlist the aid of my trusty pimp slap…

Who would be on your pimp slap list?

5 comments:

Jill said...

The non-self-aware people in the grocery store. How can you not realize that you're blocking the whole aisle while you stand with your cart and your mouth hanging open trying to make the life-altering decision of what type of cereal you're in the mood for?

CC said...

good one!

Senorita said...

I would like to extend a huge pimp slap to Blogger because I wrote up a huge list of everyone I would like to slap, and Blogger ate it all up, had me sign in a few times before telling me to sign into Google chrome.

Would also like to add a chump slap to the pimp slap to parents that decide to post pics of their child's first piss or doodie. Seriously......

Walt said...

A pimp slap goes to people who dart into an elevator before allowing people to get off. *Slap*

A pimp slap goes to slow pedestrians who dilly dally while crossing the street when I'm waiting to make a left hand turn. Don't you know there is a precious window of opportunity while there aren't any cars coming for me to make my turn? *Slap*

Man, I could go on but I think I'll stop right there... for now. More angry posts like this please! Haha "living below a minotaur"... priceless :D

DR SAVVI said...

The nitty neighbor with the big dog who takes his creature for poop time on your yard. After the smelly remains of the day with smoke seen billowing from it is left. The owner with the pet scurries obnoxiously around the corner. That's OK I saw you from my window, no plastic baggie for your poochie poop, fine, wait until you return heading to your place. A hand full of poochie poop in hand to pimp slap you. Next time you WILL remember. This of course is not recommended if you fear reprecussions from the Baltimore Police department. Just a thought. I love dogs.