Stupid Girl

Doubt ripples through me like cold waves on a beach shore line.
I am indecisive and I huff in frustration,
Elbows perched carelessly on my knees.
I wish someone would just tell me what to do
So that if I make the wrong choice I can blame them instead of myself.
The phone rings and vibrates on my bed side table.
I quickly turn and lean to grab it.
It’s a friend of mine.
I glance at it in disgust.
I’m too depressed to talk to anyone right now.
Can’t focus on what their saying.
But staring at my blank wall is proving exhausting.
I still don’t answer.
Instead I lean back on the bed to stare at the popcorn textured ceiling.
Angry tears fall down my face to my pillow.
Choices.
Choices I’ve made to make others happy.
Not my own.
I’d rather have them pleased with me than please myself.
The consequences are devastating.
The consequences have me staring at my phone, checking emails, hating myself.
Because no matter what choice I make, for myself or for others,
Someone will be unhappy.
I’d rather it be me.
I know I can forgive myself.
But my faith in others isn’t so high.
I wonder if they make choices based on how I’ll feel.
I don’t think they do.
It never seems that way.
I turn to my side in anger, sighing heavily, head shaking in discontent.
I cared too much what other’s thought.
I let them rule how I lived my life.
Now I am left here,
Unsure of myself
While he is
Gone.